If you have only four minutes and 34 seconds to get jiggy with the sexy, sexy man or woman in your life, make sure you choose this soulful slice of saucy good times from the Godfather of gettin’ down. Barry White, ‘Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe’ Gonna be honest, pretty sure the pink glove here is a vagina. Rarely has sexual frustration sounded so hot – and upon release in 1965 was played exclusively on pirate radio because it was considered just too bloody saucy for delicate ears of the mainstream. The Rolling Stones, ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’ Just don’t try and shag in time to it because you will literally die.
It’s not the louchest of tracks, but goddamnit there’s lashings of passion in this fast, funked-up masterpiece. But what better way to remember George Michael than shagging yourself – and ideally someone else – silly while he sasses away in the background? James Brown, ‘Get Up (I Feel Like A) Sex Machine’ A pop genius, a really cool dude, an inspiration to millions.
Hard to imagine how dangerous and dizzying those jagged power chords must have sounded back then: the first stirrings of punk, more than a decade early, and so hyped-up on teenage hormones it leaves a wet patch on your bed sheets.
This must have sounded un-fucking-believable in 1964. In our track review we said, “Not quite ‘Get Ur Freak On’ or ‘Bootylicious’, but coming up hard along the bend nonetheless”. That’s more staying power than Serge Gainsbourg! Britney Spears, ‘I’m A Slave 4 U’īrit went all steamy with this Neptunes-produced track. The production here is crisp as fuck, Kim never sounded more badass and the lyrics are thrillingly rude: “ Tell me what’s on your mind when the tongue’s in the pussy / Is it marriage? / Baby carriage? / Shit no!” Boyz II Men, ‘I’ll Make Love To You’įourteen weeks at the top of the charts. Lil Kim heard male rappers drooling over womankind in their lyrics and gave them a taste of their own medicine, out-filthing them at every turn. Okay yeah, maybe ‘Stacy’s Mom’ was the sexiest music video of all time. It starts with the mega-toned R&B singer licking his lips and ends with him almost-but-not quite showing his bits. This soulful slow-jam was accompanied by literally the sexiest music video ever made. Come to think of it, that could have been written by my pet hamster Maurice, because that little guy just loves to be fussed over. While we’re on choice lines, how about some lyrics from this cool 2002 R&B slowjam? “Work the middle / Change positions / Do positions… Stroke it for me / Stroke it for me”. Want to hear the most Rihanna lyric ever? “Sex with me’s so amazing / But it’s all work, no vacation.” That is the most Rihanna lyric ever, and you and your consequently red-hot sex life are welcome. Either way, it’s about not spunking yourserlf silly “until you want to cum”. Rumour had it that the BBC blacklisted the song because of its rude lyrics, though this has been disputed. Pretty racy for 1944, eh? Frankie Goes To Hollywood, ‘Relax’ One of the world’s all-timer great vocalists, jazz legend Billie Holiday here conveys her aching desire to get jiggy with it, begging her lover man to “make love to me”. Billie Holiday, ‘Lover Man (Oh Where Can You Be?)’ Gainsbourg’s reply: “‘Thank goodness it wasn’t, otherwise I hope it would have been a long-playing record”. Originally recorded with Gainsbourg’s then-lover Brigitte Bardot, it was later re-recorded with another of his lovers, Jane Birkin, who sounds so hot and flustered that there was a rumour they’d actually done the nasty during record. Like ‘Let’s Get It On’, this song has become almost comically sexy after years of being associated with love time. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin, ‘Je t’aime… moi non plus’ Ever the canny marketer, Madonna was sure to make the most of its saucy overtones. The lyrics to this shimmering slice of 80s pop are actually super sweet and sensitive, exploring the idea of loving as if it’s your first time. It’s the best way to make your bedroom feel like an all-singing, all-dancing episode of blinging disco-era Netflix musical The Get Down. This banging disco track – confusingly – manages to be classy (the tinkling piano) and filthy (Summer’s eyebrow-raising moans) all at the same time. The two is a pair of balls and the one is a foof… I t hink. Look, I’m no expert – I’m not very good with numbers and got a D in GCSE Maths – but it seems that this song might be about shagging someone for the first time. Female masturbation is a bit like Miles Kane’s solo career: everyone knows it happens but no-one ever talks about it.